I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
