At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
