so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
