I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
