So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
