my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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