you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
