Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
