I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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