he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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