Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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