I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
