i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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