I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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