What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
