Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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