my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...