I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
