nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
