im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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