Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
