so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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