My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
