Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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