He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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