so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
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Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize