I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
