so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
