I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
