Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
