i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
