I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can't turn off my feet"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
