if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
