At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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