You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
