Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
