afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
