Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
