If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
