Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
