I want to have your abortion
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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