my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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