I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
