I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
