Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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