Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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