someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
