i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I want to be your penis for a week.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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