Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
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Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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