Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
