Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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