did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
