I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Found your dick twin last night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
