You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
