Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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