I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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