Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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