I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
