I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
