i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
