if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
COCAINE IS GR8
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
