I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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