Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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