Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
