You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
